POLLS PREDICT HEAVY WIN FOR SOMEACHAAR

Phamphamau - An opinion poll conducted by The Daily Someachaar in association with AC Neilguy, predicts a sweep for the Daily's inaugural post in the April Bharateeya Blog Mela. Voting is currently on at the BBM, but most observers consider victory as a foregone conclusion for the Daily.

The Daily's Rip Porter speaking to this correspondent said "We are confident of a resounding win. We stand for untruth and we believe that untruth has in it the ability to sway electorates".

Meanwhile a few other candidates on the condition of anonymity made accusations of server-capturing against the Daily.

"It is an open secret that workers of The Daily Someachaar captured the server where the poll is being hosted and doctored the results. Besides this there have also been cases of intimidation and bribery."

Porter however pooh-poohed these accusations saying,

"They can't handle the untruth! Why would we rig the poll? We are not gaining anything from the BBM. In fact we will be donating the prize, which will be an Amazon gift certificate, to the Gaurav Sabnis Residential Library. It will all go towards charity."

The Daily Someachaar's sources in The Daily Someachaar
told us that with a victory almost certain, they will not be raising issues like the Zionist lobbying that earned Vinod Vallopillil a ticket. They will also be putting on the backburner the charges of dynastism, with the Khanna brothers both getting tickets.

World's Top Streaker Disappointed With Kumbh, says Sadhus Stole Thunder

Ujjain - Mark Roberts is arguably the world's most famous streaker. However the man who has found a place in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most prolific streaker, with 300 streaks, says he was disappointed by the Sinhaasth Kumbh Mela in Ujjain.

"It was very boring." said Riberts, with a wistful look on his face. "I came here because I heard a Kumbh Mela is the biggest gathering of human beings on the world. A couple of years back I heard that the Kumbh Mela had 20 million people. Such a high attendance obviously would be very inspiring."

Roberts, whose knowledge of India and the Hindu religion is very limited was disappointed, because he suspects the organisers were tipped off about his plans.

"I am sure they came to know what I was planning to do. So they, in cahoots with thousands of sadhus, decided to show me up."

Roberts who is famous for his elaborate costumes that he dons to enable easy access to the venue, was prepared this time too.

"In the Superbowl in America, I had donned a referee's uniform which I stripped off. At the kumbh, I had come in a saffrob garb. I approached the banks of the water, and I removed my clothes to start dancing. Imagine my shock when I discovered that I was surrounded by naked sadhus. Some of them who has some clothes on, removed them on observing me do so. Some even started imitating my dance. Before I could realise it, I was lost in a sea of naked men."

"Very boring", lamented Roberts as he was wheeling his luggage into the IGI Airport in Delhi. He turned down this reporter's suggestion that he streak at the airport, saying "Oh I am sure if I do that, folks around me will do the same and steal my thunder."

Roberts bid adieu to India saying "Give me the French Open anyday. You and your precious Kumbh! Bah!"

Young Vandals Pardoned on Claiming Brigade Membership!!

Parbhani - Five students of the Government High School, who were caught red handed vandalising school property, have been pardoned after they explained that they were members of the Sambhaji Brigade.

The incident happened last week. Mr. Joshi, a school teacher, reached the school early to check some papers, and on hearing commotion from the staff room, walked in to catch the 5 boys of Class VI engaged in vandalism. The boys had poured ink over the unit test exams conducted the previous week, and also burnt a few books belonging to different professors.

When the boys were produced in the Principal's office, they claimed that they were members of Sambhaji Brigade and their actions were "emotional outbursts" against the book written by American author James Laine - "Shivaji - A Hindu King in Islamic India". They said that a 1965 alumnus of the school had been a part-time peon at the Bhandarkar Oriental Research Institute Pune, which helped Laine write the book.

The boys decided the school's culpability in this was absolute, and could notcontrol their emotions.

The Principal has pardoned the action of the boys and issued an apology in educating the part-time peon.

"We will not tolerate anyone slinging mud at our respected Maharaj", one of the students said on the condition of anonymity.

Meanwhile, as the unit test papers of Class VI were destroyed, all the students will be granted passing marks.

ELECTION-WATCH

Mayawati Launches TV Channel

Lucknow - Former UP Chief Minister, Mayawati, today announced the launch a new TV channel, BTV. This channel will address issues of the bahujan samaj.

"All the channels on air currently are Manuwadi", shrieked Mayawati talking to reporters. "These channels are nothing but vehicles to perpetuate the hidden agenda of high caste domination. BTV, i.e Bahujan TV, will attempt at empowering the bahujan samaj."

The flagship show of the channel would be a soap opera called "Kyunki Saans Bhi Kabhi Bahujan Thi", and the shooting will commence next week at Ambedkar Studios.

Talk of progress a ploy to divert attention from real issues, says Laloo

Patna - Addressing scribes at an impromptu press conference during his campaign, RJD Chief Laloo Prasad Yadav said that all this talk of progress, removing poverty, communal harmony, and social reforms was nothing but a means of diverting attention of the masses from the real issues. However when asked to elaborate what the real issues were, he declined to comment, and instead extolled the virtues of his new buffalo.

Declare Earth a Hindu Graha, demands VHP

New York - VHP Secretary Pravin Togadia today demanded that UN declare the earth a "Hindu Graha". He was speaking at a "Trishul Deeksha" organised by the VHP in the Queens suburb of New York.

"It is a well accepted fact that the earth was created by Brahma, who is a Hindu God. This means that all earthlings were Hindus. Over thousands of years, 5/6th of the population has been misguided by subversive streams of thought like Islam, Christianity, Taoism, etc. The UN should declare earth a "Hindu Graha"." he said.

In light of the tenure of Kofi Annan the present Secretary general of the UN coming to an end, Togadia said that VHP would support Shashi Tharoor's candidature for the post only if he endorsed their Hindutvawadi policies.

"Anybody who opposes Hindutva can never rule the UN." boomed Togadia.

Gollum joins BJP, Shrek joins Congress

New Delhi - Animated characters have also joined the political fold with Gollum joining the BJP and Shrek becoming a member of the Congress Party.

Gollum, accompanied by BJP President Venkaiah Naidu, announced his decision at a press conference in the capital today.

"We likesssssssssssssss the BJP." Gollum said, reading out a written statement. "We hatesssssssssss Sssssssssonia....we hatesssssssssss her!!"

The Congress Party retaliated by announcing the membership of Shrek. Shrek was accompanied by his wife Fiona, and a talking donkey as he filled the membership form at the Congress Headquarters. Later while talking to the media he said,

"My swamp is still full of cribbing creatures and the BJP talks of a Feel Good factor?"

When asked about the BJP's stand to introduce a legislation barring ogres from holding public office, Shrek declined to comment. However the donkey said "They scared of of Shrek, man, they scared!!".

Media Barons Hail Launch of SomeAchaar

Phamphamau - Personalities cutting across various media affiliations today hailed the launch of "The Daily(!!) SomeAchaar", a non-periodical which will seek to uncover the untruth in every field.

"We will not be going to press everyday" clarified Rip Porter, the Chief Correspondent of the Daily at a press conference in the tiny hamlet of Phamphamau in Eastern UP, where it will be headquartered. "We are calling it a Daily, only so that we are motivated to work everyday."

The press conference was followed by a launch party which was graced by celebrities from various fields, prominent being those from the media.

"Finally an entity that respects the value of lies." said Kapil Dev, loading his plate with the 13 different pickles that were available at the buffet table.

"The nation needs to learn from experience. At The Daily SomeAchaar, the staf is experienced in the kind of work they are doing" said Prannoy Roy, biting into a pickled lemon.

Former US President, Bill Clinton was to launch the newspaper by clicking the ceremonial mouse, but the Air India flight he boarded changed course and dropped him at Cochin instead of Delhi. Pakistani President Gen Pervez Musharraf did the honours instead, clicking the mouse at his office in Rawalpindi in view of video cameras. While congratulating the paper, he said

"However such efforts will bear no fruit unless the core issue of Kashmir is addressed. Sincere efforts must be taken to guard the human rights...."

The General's speech was interrupted at this point due to loss of satellite linkage.

However the revelry continued until late night, when the Daily's reporters left to work on their first edition